Do you know your child, and can honestly say that your child is not a bully? With the recent suicide of Phoebe Prince, a fifteen year old Massachusetts student, who took her life after continuous and callous bullying from fellow classmates, the media hype concerning bullying, has been forced to the forefront, and for good reason (Williams). What has been viewed, by older generations, as harmless teasing, has become an enormous problem within our society. What I can’t figure out, is why parents aren’t paying attention to what their children are saying and doing.
Should parents know whether or not their child is a bully? The answer is yes, but that is if they are attentive enough to listen to what their child is saying, and observant of their child’s actions; practicing real parenting. If you are questionable about whether your child is a bully or not, maybe you should do a little self evaluation. “Takeaway.org” recently posted a blog asking what other’s perspective was on whether or not parents of bullies are to blame (When Kids Are Bullies). I was shocked by some of the postings and flabbergasted by how the commentaries diminished the responsibilities of parents by rerouting the conversation to an entirely different discussion. The conversation was shifted by the commentaries from whether the parents of bullies should be responsible for their children’s actions, which was the blogger’s original issue, to how to help bullied children and prevent children from becoming bullies. The blogger was asking parents to self evaluate and consider the ideal that parent’s actions maybe at the core of the problem. Helping bullied children and prevention are entirely different subjects that have their own place, but obviously the commentaries, possibly subconsciously, deny exploring the root of the problem behind bullying, and that is, are parents responsible for bullying.
Ironically, “Motherlode”, an online blog for the New York Times, also recently posted a blog concerning parent’s acknowledgement of their child’s bullying (Belkin). I was pleasantly surprised to see that most people stuck with the controlling idea, but others seemed to want to place blame elsewhere, such as the schools. I do agree with some of the comments that the schools should be paying attention, but the fact remains that parents should be paying more attention. Schools have a multitude of children on a daily basis, whereas parents only have to attend to their own kids, which is a few at most. I was pleased to hear the blogger state, “You don’t have to be a mind reader to see that your child runs with the popular crowd, or looks down on others, or has a gossipy streak. None of those mean that your child is necessarily doing anything wrong, but it sure means that it’s time to start paying attention”. I question the parents who would disagree with Motherlode’s statement and continue to place blame elsewhere. I must clarify myself though, I’m not saying that the parents of bullies are necessarily bad people, but part of parenting is being aware of what our children are doing and saying, and assessing a possible pattern of behavior.
I have experienced bullying at its most malicious level imaginable. My daughter, Bailee, who is twelve, recently became a victim to the harsh cruelty of bullies. Bailee was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in Aug. 2007, and nearly lost her life. If that wasn’t enough, she had to endure taunting from her peers concerning her cancer. Children would torment her by saying, “we don’t want to be your friend because you had cancer”. I felt completely vulnerable, my child comes home crying and upset due to the constant bantering, and I can do nothing because she has asked me not to intervene; she only wanted a shoulder to cry on. The last time I intervened, was when a teacher starkly scolded my daughter for wearing a hat, which covered her balding head. This incident occurred shortly after she finished chemotherapy, and most of her hair had fallen out. Bailee was embarrassed and humiliated, and I naturally was less than polite in my conversation with the principal. To this day, the teacher still holds a grudge toward Bailee, but of course she hasn’t experienced losing her hair to cancer and being forced to remove the one thing that concealed her disease.
I respected Bailee’s request not to interfere in the “mean girls” scheme, but only to retain the trust in our relationship. Fortunately, I didn’t have to come forth. Other students came forth and the principal became involved. Bailee had told the principal to call me and explain why she was in the office; Bailee knew that I would want to know what was going on. The principal explained to me that she sat the girls down and had a harsh conversation with all involved. I advised the principal that if the “mean girls” bad behavior fails to cease, I would seek legal action, considering this “mean girl” behavior was a severe emotional form of bullying. To date, the situation remains extinguished, and Bailee has started blossoming again.
Clearly, my daughter and I have a close relationship built on trust and respect. I sometimes feel like I know her better than she knows herself, and this is due to observant parenting. Unfortunately, not every parent develops a close connection with their child, or cares to develop such relationship, ultimately allowing a bully to mature. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry website has an excellent article concerning bullying and paints a clearer picture to why bullies become bullies with this statement,
Children and adolescents who bully thrive on controlling or
dominating others. They have often been the victims of physical
abuse or bullying themselves. Bullies may also be depressed,
angry or upset about events at school or at home. (Bullying)
Obviously, if you pay notice to your child, you will see the signs, but the questions remains, should parents of bullies be held accountable for their child’s actions? Again, the answer is clearly, yes, and the National Crime Prevention Council agrees stating, “Parents held accountable for their children's delinquent behavior are more likely to reinforce appropriate behavior in the youth” (Strategy). Schools, counselors, and teachers cannot enforce long term apposite behavior in a youth however, parents can. Children are supposed to look up and admire their parents, and the parents should have the decency to give their child the fundamentals principles of becoming a productive member of society, and this requires active parenting. Those in opposition of active parenting should consider a drastic form of birth control to prevent any chance of becoming a parent, and possibly having to partake in “active parenting”. If you suspect your child maybe a bully, doing nothing is unacceptable; it’s time to pay attention.
--Ramie Bise
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